These Times

Some old-timey humor for the holidays

Kirk Ericson | Nov 21, 20240

“Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!” — Steve Martin

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What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal?

A polar bear.

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“When I was a kid, I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the seesaw. I had to keep runnin’ from one end to the other.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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One winter day in northern Minnesota, Ole asked Lena to walk across the lake and get him some cigarettes from the store.

Lena said, “OK, give me some money.”

“Charge it to my account,” Ole responded.

“Why won’t you give me the money?” Lena asked.

“Because I don’t know how thick the ice is,” Ole said.

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What did God say after creating man?

“I can do better than this.”

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A terrible car accident left a woman lying in the street, covered in blood. Someone in the crowd shouted, “Someone call a priest!”

The woman opened her eyes and said, “I’m a Unitarian.”

“Forget the priest! Someone call a math teacher!”

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“If you love Barry Manilow, you’re gonna love Insane Clown Posse. Love them. They’re exactly... well, they’re not exactly alike, but they’re a little bit alike.” — Zach Galifianakis

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“I think it’s interesting that ‘cologne’ rhymes with ‘alone. ” — Demetri Martin

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What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

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A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle starts complaining about her life.

“My life is a mess,” the poodle says. “My owner is mean, my boyfriend ran away with a schnauzer and I’m as jittery as a cat.”

“Have you thought about seeing a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.

“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

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A woman who lives in a home for old folks walks up to a fellow resident, a dapper man who’s putting together a jigsaw puzzle in the sunroom.

“Hello,” she says to the man. “If you unzip your pants, I’ll bet you $20 that I can tell you your age after squeezing your ding-dong.”

“Okey doke,” the man says. “You got a bet.”

He unzips his pants and the woman gives him a couple of squeezes.

“You’re 83,” the woman says.

“You’re right!” the man responded. “How on earth did you guess I was 83?”

“I didn’t guess,” the woman said. “You told me yesterday you were 83.”

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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked, “crushed nuts?”

“No,” the man replied. “Arthritis.”

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A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.’ ”

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“I think before giving me a credit card, they should have given me a math test. A series of story problems. ‘If Maria’s boyfriend is in a folk band but he only smokes pot every other day, what percentage of the rent will he be able to contribute?’ I thought 50%. But the answer is zero.” — Maria Bamford

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“When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ‘Well, what do you need?’ ” — Steven Wright

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“You can see God in everything. The trees. Those birds. That homeless man with the long beard holding a scepter.” — Dan Guterman