These Times

The Sermon on the Mount, revisited

Kirk Ericson | Feb 08, 20240

“But if Christ hadn’t delivered his Sermon on the Mount, with its message of mercy and pity, I wouldn’t want to be a human being. I’d just as soon be a rattlesnake.” — Kurt Vonnegut, “A Man Without a Country”

Imagine, if you will …

It’s circa 30 A.D. and Jesus Christ is in his late 20s and starting to make a name for himself. He’s on a hilltop near the Sea of Galilee and a crowd has gathered to hear the carpenter deliver a major speech.

Among the assembled is an old man named Strange. He’s trailing his stout and much-younger employee, named Aide, who is clearing a path for his boss.

They arrive at the back of the crowd as Christ starts speaking.

AIDE (pushing his way through the crowd): Make way. Clear a path. Make way.

STRANGE (pushing Aide): C’mon. Move it! Coming through! Jesus H. Christ!

JESUS: Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth …

STRANGE (turning to Aide): What he say?

AIDE: Something about the meek being blessed.

STRANGE: What? The meek?

AIDE: Yeah. He literally said the meek.

STRANGE: No way. Everyone knows the meek are total losers. Ask anyone. This Jesus guy is a draw, though. Gotta give him that. Not as many as I get, but nobody draws a crowd like me. Maybe the pope on one of those Catholic holidays, but my crowds are always bigger.

AIDE (clearing the path): You got that right, boss.

STRANGE (shoving Aide in the back): Get closer!

JESUS: Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy …

STRANGE (starting to sweat heavily): What a terrible venue. Worst ever. We can barely hear him, and it must be 110 degrees out here. He has the worst advance team ever. Have these people ever heard of a chair? Closer!

JESUS: Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God ...

STRANGE: Maybe he could bless the chairmakers so we could sit. Closer! Out of our way!

AIDE: Almost there, boss.

(The two reach the front of the crowd. They stand in front of Jesus, about 30 feet away.)

STRANGE: Finally. Geez. What a mess. Couldn’t somebody have raked these rocks? (Aide gives Strange a shot of hand sanitizer.)

JESUS: Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison.

STRANGE: What the hell?

AIDE (whispering to his boss): We know where he lives.

JESUS: You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

STRANGE: What the hell?

AIDE (whispering): We’ve got plenty of material on him.

JESUS: You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well.

STRANGE: OK. Finally. ‘Don’t resist an evil person.’ That I get. But the whole suing thing, what a load of crap.

JESUS: You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven.

STRANGE: I’m not hearing any applause lines here. Definitely not major league material.

JESUS: Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

STRANGE (scanning the crowd behind him): Hmm. They’re eating this (expletive deleted) up.

JESUS: For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

STRANGE: Enough of this. I’m bored. Let’s go.

(The two leave in the middle of Jesus’ speech. Strange and Aide start walking down the mount.)

STRANGE: I don’t get it. Most of the people who like me worship this guy, think he walks on water, and all this so-called Jesus Christ guy talks about is how important it is to be stupid and nice and dead broke.

AIDE: Maybe it’s the hair, sir. You both have long, beautiful, flowing hair.

STRANGE: Maybe, although would it kill him to use a little product? But I still don’t get it. Jesus is all about socialism, communism, fascism, anarchy, radical-leftist agendas. It’s so obvious he hates capitalism and America. He wants America to be last …

AIDE: Technically, sir, America didn’t exist until …

STRANGE (cutting Aide off): America existed before it ever existed. Everybody knows that. You can ask anyone. Now get us out of here. What a dump.