THESE TIMES

Jesus has another birthday party

Kirk Ericson | Dec 21, 20230

The scene: Several luminaries are gathered for Jesus’ 2023 birthday at the Prophet Muhammad’s house. Attendees include Guru Nanak Dev Ji, Abraham, Siddhartha Gautama, brothers James and Simon, Adi Shankara, Desmond Tutu, the Brahma, Zarathushtra, Mary Baker Eddy, Mother Mary, father Joseph, Father God, Mary Magdalene, Confucius, Zhaung Zhou, Sheikh Adi ibn Musafir and Rosalynn Carter. It’s a surprise party. Jesus opens the front door …)

All: Surprise! Happy birthday, Jesus!

Jesus: Oh, yeah. A surprise party. Who would have guessed? (Jesus trails off into muttering. He finds an

empty seat and slumps into it.)

Mother Mary (rushing up to her boy): Jesus, Jesus. Why so glum, son?

Jesus: I really don’t want to talk about it.

Mother Mary: I’m your mother. You know, the round yon virgin. Tell me what’s bothering you.

Jesus: Eh. It’s been a hard year, and I guess I’m feeling my age, too.

Mother Mary: I know son, but you’ve got all these people here who want to wish you a happy birthday. Pull yourself together and we’ll talk later about how you’re feeling. OK? But I will tell you one thing. We’ve got an extra special guest coming later.

Jesus: Who?

Mother Mary: It’s a surprise, even to you. Come on, son. Mingle. (Mary pulls Jesus to his feet and gives him a gentle push toward the guests. He goes up to Muhammad first to thank him for hosting the party.)

Muhammad: Why the long face buddy?

Jesus: You know. Getting older, not getting wiser. I’m not in my thousands anymore. Then there’s the Middle East. Eastern Congo. Yemen. The Sudans. Florida. Ukraine. And oh God, Texas.

Muhammad: Tell me about it. I’m feeling it, too, and you’ve got 600 years on me. But listen, you taught me that the most important thing is to keep learning and improving. Have you been stretching every morning like I asked you?

Jesus: A little. You know what’s bugging me the most? They’re killing babies in my old neighborhood. Babies! My favorite people! In Gaza, in Israel, in the West Bank. And they’re doing it in our names … and Abraham over there. It’s unbelievable. It’s pathetic.

Muhammad: You need to take a break from all that. Work on it tomorrow. Let’s enjoy ourselves right now, OK? Can you do that?

Jesus: I’ll try. You know what else is bugging me?

Muhammad: Jesus …

Jesus: It’s these people who claim to love me, but so many of them are bitter and mean and cruel and judgmental. And they love to yell and argue and interrupt. I mean, how do they get that from me being me?

Muhammad: Maybe you shouldn’t be so high and mighty. Remember the temple courtyard when you flipped over the merchants’ tables?

Jesus: Yeah, but just that once. I didn’t make a career of it!

(The two are interrupted by the sounds of the happy birthday song, sung in Aramaic. The cake is carried in by a sprite young man with a beaming smile.)

Jesus: Oh, my god! Are you who I think you are?

Rosalynn Carter: Jimmy! What on earth are you doing here? You’re not dead yet. (She rushes over to embrace him.)

Jimmy Carter: Rosalynn, my dear. No, I’m not dead. It’ll be soon, I promise. God gave me a 24-hour leave to be here, and on top of that, he extended my deadline because I started a book after you died. He gave me time to finish it. Then, I’ll be yours forever and ever and ever and ever.

Rosalynn Carter: Oh, Jimmy. What’s the book called?

Jimmy Carter: The title is “How to Be.”

(Jesus hurries over to hug Jimmy.)

Jesus: Everybody! It’s Jimmy Carter! He’s here! On my birthday!

(Everyone rushes over.)

Jesus: Hey! Listen up! This guy’s been in hospice for almost a year now! Unbelievable! Here’s one of my favorite Jimmy stories: Did you know Jimmy once prevented a nuclear reactor from melting down?

Guru Nanak Dev Ji: No joke?

Jesus: No joke. It was in December 1952 at a nuclear research reactor in Canada in Ontario along the Chalk River, north of Pembroke, near …

Confucius: We all know where Pembroke is.

Jesus: … and he organized a team that prevented the reactor from going into full meltdown. He had radioactivity in his urine for months afterward! And the most amazing thing is, it isn’t the most amazing thing he did in his life.

Siddhartha Gautama: Jimmy, what was the most amazing thing you did in your life?

Jimmy Carter: That’s easy. Getting Rosalynn to marry me, and being able to be with her when she died.

Rosalynn Carter (putting her hand over her heart): Oh, Jimmy.

Jesus: Oh, this is the best birthday party I’ve had in years! Thank you everybody! And now, alloweth me to issue the following proclamation to this blessed assembly: Let’s get this party started!