Dedicated to the citizens of Mason County, Washington since 1886
Dedicated to the citizens of Mason County, Washington since 1886
Some pretty good jokes for the holidays
Here are some jokes for you. Some are ones friends have told me, some have been riding in my head for years and others I found by doing thorough joke research.
Why can’t you believe anything an atom says?
Because it makes up everything.
A couple is lying in bed. It’s the middle of the night and there’s a knock on the door at 3 in the morning. The guy gets out of bed and opens the door. He comes back to bed and his wife says, “Who was that?”
The guy replies, “Some stranger who wanted a push. I told him I couldn’t help him.”
“What if that was you?” she said. “What if you needed a push in the middle of the night?”
“You’re right. Fine.”
He gets dressed and goes out into the darkness and yells, “Hey man, are you still there? Do you still need help?”
The guy yells back, “Yeah, I do!”
The husband says, “Where are you?”
The guy replies, “I’m over here on the swing.”
Adam and Eve were naming animals. Adam saw a big creature with a horn on its face and said, “What shall we call this one?”
“Why don’t we call it a rhinoceros?”
“But, why?”
“Because it looks more like a rhinoceros than anything we’ve seen so far.”
A man woke up in the morning and felt so bad he tried to kill himself by taking 1,000 aspirin. But after the first two, he felt better.
A doctor was doing his rounds one evening when he entered the room of a man who had been in a motorcycle accident. The man’s jaw was broken and wired shut, so he had to communicate by writing on a notepad.
“Well,” the doctor said, “it’s time for dinner and you can’t chew, so we’ll have to feed you through the back door.”
The doctor and a nurse rolled the man onto his stomach and put a funnel in his rear end.
The man writes, “What’s for dinner?”
The nurse says, “We have roast beef, broccoli, a baked potato and hot chocolate.”
The nurse pours it down the funnel. The man lets out a loud grunt.
The nurse asks, “Too hot?”
The man writes, “No. Chocolate too sweet.”
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
How do the Amish hunt?
They sneak up on a deer and build a barn around it.
Cross country skiing is easier if you live in a small country.
Oprah Winfrey, Barack Obama, Donald Trump, and a little girl are on a plane. The plane is having problems, and there are three parachutes on it. Oprah says, “I’m the richest woman in the world, so I’m getting one,” and Oprah takes the parachute and jumps off the plane. Trump says, “I’m the president, so I get one,’ and he jumps off the plane. And Obama looks at the little girl and says, “My dear, you’re the future, so you take the last one.” The little girl looks at Obama and says, “No, we both get one because Trump took my bookbag.”
Hillary Clinton finds out from her doctor she’s pregnant. She’s furious because she’s in her first term as senator of New York. She calls Bill and starts screaming. “How could you have let this happen? You go and get me pregnant! How could you?
It is all your fault!” she yells. And Bill says, “Who is this?”
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. (Emo Philips)
Some drummer jokes …
What does it mean when a drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?
The stage is level.
What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Did you hear about the drummer who walked past a bar?
It could happen.
A pickle walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, you’re a pickle! What are you doing here?”
The pickle says, “For starters, I’m celebrating the fact that I can walk!”
Shelton-Mason County Journal & Belfair Herald
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