THESE TIMES

Some words about some words

Kirk Ericson | Nov 23, 20230

Annoying words and phrases infect our speech with frequency and tenacity, and I can’t stop it. I try, but I’m only one bro, one bruh, one dude, one dawg, one homeboy.

But if I was king, I could send out a minion with a stiff back to proclaim, “Listen up, peasants. The following words and phrases are banned. Any of the king’s subjects heard uttering the following phrases shall be playfully chastised upon first and second offense, and on the third offense, the subject shall be drawn and quartered, sewn back together, drawn and quartered again and then scattered to the four corners of the kingdom, where their quarters will be cut in half. The punishment shall be called being drawn and eighthed. The king’s not kidding, folks. Here’s the list.”

Perfect: This word has become unmoored from its meaning, especially among workers during transactions with customers. For instance, if you ask someone for a 12-ounce cup of coffee, it’s not a “perfect” request. When you give that person $3 for that coffee, it’s not a “perfect” amount of money. And when you ask for cream to go with your coffee, it’s not a “perfect” addition to your coffee. We once used words like “sure,” “you betcha” and “OK” in the places where “perfect” now roams wild. Knock it off.

Robust: This is a fine word when used sparingly, but because you’ve gone overboard, it is banned. Using that word doesn’t make you sound tougher or more commanding. It makes you sound like a weenie. Really. Figure out another word you can puff out your chest to.

No problem: This phrase often replaces the words “you’re welcome” after telling someone “thanks.” How did this phrase get stuck in so many of your brains? It sounds like it escaped from a slacker community in Southern California.

Spike: You guys have been using this word incorrectly, so it’s banned until the king lets you play with it again. A spike, where referring to a rise in something, is an increase over a short period. For instance, you can’t say prices spiked this month because you don’t know what will happen next month, or the month after. If prices go up and stay up, what you have is a plateau, not a spike. A spike is only clear in retrospect. And spike became popular for the same reason that robust did: You think it makes you sound tough? It doesn’t.

Problematic: What’s wrong with saying, “it’s a problem?” Do you think saying “problematic” makes you sound smarter or that people will believe you’ve given more attention to a proposition than you actually have? It doesn’t. It sounds affected and bloated and is hereby banned.

The process: This phrase is popular with people wary of committing to an action and who don’t want to be held accountable if anything bad happens. “Well, we’re in the process of reviewing the matter, so I wouldn’t want to short-circuit the process. You have to respect the process.” If it’s a process, no one person is responsible for any action or inaction. It’s the process that’s responsible and who’s responsible for that? Who knows? If you want to replace “the process” with something, say this: “We’re working on it.” That worked in the past. It will work in the future.

Here are some that need no explanation: “Full stop,” “circle back,” “put a pin in it” and “do your own research.”

OK folks, that’s it. Watch your mouths and we’ll get through this. And if we do well, the king promises to spend more money on K-12 education.