These Times

‘You Can’t Prove I Did Anything Wrong!’

Kirk Ericson | Aug 24, 20230

A one-scene play

It’s late afternoon in a principal’s office at an expensive private middle school. In attendance are the principal, an 11-year-old boy, and the boy’s mother and father. The boy faces possible expulsion for several alleged offenses.

PRINCIPAL: Let’s get to it, shall we? We’re all here to figure out what will be most helpful …

SON: I didn’t do it! Whatever they say I did, I didn’t do it. They’re liars. You can’t prove I did anything wrong!

MOTHER (patting her son’s knee): Now, now. I’m sure you didn’t, but let’s hear what your principal has to say.

FATHER (staring at his son): You need to shut up.

PRINCIPAL: OK, let’s calm down. (Looking at the parents) Your son has been involved in several incidents lately that are forcing us to consider the possibility of a one-week suspension, which is …

SON: I …

FATHER (balling up his hand and staring at his son): Shut it. Now. You’ll speak when I say you can. (Looking at the principal) Continue.

PRINCIPAL: Ahem. As I was saying, a one-week suspension is the second-most severe punishment we can take here at Kew-Forest School. If we have to go down that road and your boy’s behavior doesn’t improve, we’ll be talking about permanent expulsion from our school.

MOTHER (touching her necklace): Oh, dear. What on earth are you accusing my boy of doing?

PRINCIPAL: We’ve received quite a few reports of misbehavior. For one, several girls have told their teachers that your boy kissed them after they told him not to. Some of those girls have asked to be transferred to other classrooms to get away from your son. One girl’s parents even took the extreme measure of enrolling her in another school in another state.

MOTHER: Oh, dear.

FATHER (looking at his son while speaking to the principal): What are the girls’ names?

PRINCIPAL: Sir, we’re not doing that. Enough girls are sharing similar stories to suggest a pattern of behavior here.

FATHER (staring at his son while addressing the principal): So, we have a bunch of random girls making anonymous complaints. What else?

PRINCIPAL: Uh, OK. At least half a dozen parents have come to me to say your son has been a bad influence on their children, encouraging them to behave in a way that gets them in serious trouble. For instance, your son reportedly convinced one boy to pull a chair away from underneath Serge – you know the crippled boy who uses crutches to get around? – as he was sitting down.

MOTHER: Oh, dear.

FATHER (staring at principal): What else?

PRINCIPAL: Let’s see … Just last week, four kids came together to our vice principal’s office to say your boy had promised them $50 if they gave him $25. He told them he had an uncle who had made a scientific breakthrough in physics and that the uncle, Uncle John I believe was the name he used, had promised to give him $2,000 for his 12th birthday. And we have it all in writing (the principal slides the agreement toward his parents. The father ignores it. The mother gives it a glance.) The kids not only didn’t get $50, they didn’t get their $25 back.

MOTHER: Oh, dear.

FATHER (looking bored): And?

PRINCIPAL: Did you know that your boy ran for class president?

MOTHER: Yes! We were so proud of him!

PRINCIPAL: Well, he lost. By a lot. And I have in my possession signed statements from three of your boys’ classmates who say your son came to them and tried to get them to change the count. One boy even recorded the encounter on a tape recorder.

FATHER: So … That’s it?

PRINCIPAL: Isn’t that enough?

FATHER: (The father spreads his knees apart and leans in close to the principal. He steeples his fingertips as he rests his elbows between his thighs.) I’ll tell you what’s “enough” – the amount of money I have pledged to this school over the next three years. If you kick my kid out, that money is gone. And I’ll sue you and the school for breach of contract. Are we clear?

MOTHER: Fred, don’t you …

FATHER: Hush. We’re done here. (Motioning to his wife and son as he stands). Let’s go.

(As the three walk out of the principal’s office, the father leans over to his boy and whispers in his ear.)

FATHER: Remember this, young man: Never, ever, ever, ever, ever put anything in writing.