THESE TIMES

Some very good jokes for a sunny day

Kirk Ericson | Jun 22, 20230

“Everybody says how easy it is to cook, but it isn’t any easier than not cooking.” — Maria Bamford

“Did you ever hear about the Norwegian who loved his wife so much he almost told her?” — Author unknown

“Bob Dylan always told me, don’t be a name-dropper.” — Chrissie Hynde

“I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.” — Zach Galifianakis

“I wear this St. Christopher medal sometimes because I’m Jewish and my boyfriend’s Catholic. It was cute the way he gave it to me. He said if it doesn’t burn through my skin, it will protect me. Who cares? Different religions. The only time it’s an issue, I suppose, would be if you’re having a baby you got to figure out how you wanna raise your baby. Which would still not be an issue for us, because we’d be honest. We’d say, ‘Mommy’s one of the chosen people, and Daddy believes that Jesus is magic!’ ” — Sarah Silverman

“I’m sick of following my dreams — I’m just going to ask them where they are going and hook up with them later.” — Mitch Hedberg

“A guy’s driving down an old country road and he sees a farmer in his orchard feeding his pigs, but what he’s doing is he’s taking one pig at a time, holding him up, letting him eat an apple out of the tree, and then setting him down before picking up another pig and letting him eat an apple. So the guy pulls over and walks up to the farmer and he says, ‘Wouldn’t it save time to just knock all the apples on the ground and let the pigs eat them all at once?’ And the farmer, confused, looks at him and says, ‘What’s time to a pig?’ ” — Doug Stanhope

“I’d like to do a reality show with four white people who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called ... ‘Cracker Hunt.’ ” — Zach Galifianakis

This was one of the writer Kurt Vonnegut’s favorite jokes, according to his son:

“Every day for years and years a customs agent carefully searched through a guy’s wheelbarrow when he crossed the border. Finally, when he was about to retire, the customs agent asked the guy, ‘We’ve become friends. I’ve searched your wheelbarrow every day for many years. What is it you’re smuggling?’ ”

“My friend, I am smuggling wheelbarrows.”

What did the sadist say to the masochist?

“Beat me.”

What did the masochist say?

“No.” — Author unknown

“It’s fun telling people you go to McDonald’s. They always give you that look like, ‘Oh, I didn’t know I was better than you.’ ” — Jim Gaffigan

“Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.” — Jerry Seinfeld, an MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room says, “Yeah, right.” — Author unknown

“A duck walks into a bar and says, ‘You got any grapes?’ The bartender says, ‘No, get out of here.’ Then the next day, the duck walks into the same bar and goes, ‘You got any grapes?’ The bartender says, ‘Like I told you, we don’t have any! Get out. And if you come in here one more time, I’ll nail your feet to the floor.’ Then the duck comes in the third day and asks, ‘You got any nails?’ Bartender says, ‘No.’ And the duck says, ‘You got any grapes?’ ” — Jo Firestone