Jokes for the coming holidays

Kirk Ericson | Nov 17, 20220

Seems we’ll have at least one more season of holiday gatherings where talk of politics and social behavior will be discouraged, so here are some jokes from three publications — Good Housekeeping, Esquire and Readers Digest — that you can use to derail any obnoxiously opinioned guests, or to entertain any 10-year-olds.

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A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I fought in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on Earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

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Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Owls go.

Owls go who?

That’s right!

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What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.

Two muffins are baking in an oven. One of them looks to the other and says, “Phew, it’s getting hot in here!” The other looks back and says, “Oh my God! It’s a talking muffin!”

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What did the bunny say to the carrot?

It’s been nice gnawing you.

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What did the snail yell while riding on the back of a turtle?

Wheee!

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A man was stranded on a desert island for 20 years when a Navy ship finally spotted him. The captain comes ashore and notices three huts. “What are they used for?” the captain asks.

“Well, the hut one on the left is where I live,” says the man. “And the one on the right is where I go to church.”

“So what about that hut in the middle?”

The man sneers, “That’s the church I used to attend!”

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Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?

Because his parents wouldn’t cosine.

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Why did the student get upset when their teacher called them average?

It was a mean thing to say.

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What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half a worm in your apple.

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What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

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What’s red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

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“Interesting fact: A shark will only attack you if you’re wet.” – Sean Lock, comedian

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I invented a new word!

Plagiarism.

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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his cellphone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

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A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”