Thoughts for an almost summer day in June

Kirk Ericson | Jun 16, 20220

I don’t own a gun. It would just be one more thing I’d have to clean.

The rhododendrons and dogwood trees are in their fullest bloom and the sun is high and bright. What a wonderful day it must be to be a bee!

You know why it’s called “kidding?” Because kids kid around. They like a kidder.

You need to pick your battles as a parent. Unfortunately, my kid always picked the Battle of Stalingrad.

Age is nothing but a number, but it is a number that lets you know you’re that much closer to being dead.

People who work on installing flooring should be called “floorists” and people who work with flowers should be called “flowerists.”

Think of someplace where people are always happy. Take a second. Got it? Now, did you think of Disneyland or Disney World or anything associated with Disney? It’s hard not to, isn’t it? Why did we let Disney monopolize the word “happy”?

The words “suck” and “blow” have the same meaning in American slang — “This movie sucks,” “This movie blows” — but they have exactly opposite meanings when it comes to physical actions by mammals.

Cigarette boats cause cancer.

Political campaign signs are an admission of how mindless we are. Those signs operate on the theory of “I’ve seen the name a lot, so I guess I’ll vote for that one.” It’s the same way we buy cars and dish soap.

I was sitting on my friend John’s two-story-high deck, where we were eye level with several power lines about 30 feet away. A variety of birds were assembled on the lines. At that height and with that view, we had a bird’s eye view of a bird’s eye view.

He moved as slow as a wrinkle in a mud bath.

What did the Iranian daughter say to her mother when she asked how her language class was going?

“So Farsi, so goody.”

The initial impulse for Christianity might have been to create a place — let’s call it heaven — where we could have a big reunion with all the people we’ve loved and missed from our time on earth. That makes heaven essentially a giant Elks hall.

Bumper sticker idea: God bless me.

I was talking to a neighbor when I abruptly ended the conversation by saying, “Oops. I have something in the oven. Gotta go.” Once I got the thing out of the oven, I wondered whether the neighbor thought I had lied so I could get out of the conversation. To prove I wasn’t lying, I took her some of what I was baking — granola — and let her have some as evidence.

I want my obituary to mention I suffered fools gladly.

“What’s wrong with being cynical?” I asked one of my sons.

“It makes it harder for people to like you,” he replied.

I did not waste my time during the plague. I spent it learning all I could about comdeian Norm Macdonald.

My friend Ron said he had to go outside to speak on the phone because it was too noisy where he was. Once he got outside where it was quieter, I asked him where he’d been. “Inside,” he replied.

People often use the phrase “All the world’s major religions believe …” Why aren’t minor religions included in that phrase? They should be. All major religions were once minor.

You know the thing about homeless people? They’re often intense.