An Eighties cult classic comes back to theaters

Kirk Boxleitner | Sep 23, 20210

Courtesy image count

The Transformers' original cinematic outing from the 1980s is making its return to select theaters this month.

The close of this month marks the 35th anniversary of the first, and still the best, of all the "Transformers" films, which select theaters throughout the state and across the country are bringing back to the big screen for the final days of September.

Before 2018's "Bumblebee" rebooted the franchise, Michael Bay had directed all five of the preceding live-action "Transformers" films, but none of them could compare to the original animated film, 1986's "The Transformers: The Movie."

Some people will point out that the original "Transformers" cartoon was created to sell toys, but these are the same sort of joyless pedants who think they're being insightful by criticizing professional wrestling matches for being staged.

The unabashedly commercial purpose of "The Transformers: The Movie" makes its narrative coherence all the more impressive, because its writers were tasked with sending off the pre-existing line of characters, who would no longer be produced as toys, while also introducing a new line of characters that parents and children could purchase between that summer and Christmas.

And then, just to make matters more challenging for themselves, the writers also took the time to show no less than three characters on each side of the Transformers' never-ending battle - the Autobots versus the Decepticons, as per the catchy theme tune - taking command of their respective armies.

For all this, the story still flows as a fairly smooth Joseph Campbell-style "Hero's Journey" arc, with an impressive collection of voice actors that includes Robert Stack (Eliot Ness!) as stoic Autobot second-in-command Ultra Magnus, Leonard Nimoy (Spock!) as the snarling incoming Decepticon leader Galvatron, Eric Idle (Monty Python!) as TV slogan-spouting biker-bot Wreck-Gar, and Orson Welles (Citizen Kane!) in his final film role as the world-size, planet-devouring Transformer, Unicron.

Even as all these new characters are afforded ample introductions, "The Transformers: The Movie" still does right by its most beloved pre-existing characters, from Frank Welker as the weary outgoing Decepticon leader Megatron, and Chris Latta as his backstabbing second-in-command, Starscream, to Peter Cullen as the inspiring Autobot leader, Optimus Prime.

While Michael Bay was willing to make several other changes to the Transformers to adapt those old cartoon characters to film, he never considered casting anyone besides Peter Cullen as Optimus Prime. Especially in "The Transformers: The Movie," Cullen's performance makes Optimus Prime come across like Abraham Lincoln, if he was played by John Wayne.

After two seasons of relatively inconsequential fights between Autobots and Decepticons in the 1980s TV cartoon, the only thing more shocking than seeing almost all of the pre-existing Autobots get slaughtered in the film's opening reel is watching the brutal, knockdown drag-out throw-down between Optimus Prime and Megatron that follows.

When Frank Welker's raspy voice growls, "I would have waited an eternity for this," and we're shown a closeup of Megatron's cracked, dented metal face, it sells the idea that these robots can actually feel the pain and exhaustion of a war that's gone on for far too long.

Likewise, while I can tell you straight out that Unicron is essentially the Death Star from "Star Wars" as a Transformer, I remain confident that nothing can prepare you for the spectacle of actually seeing Unicron transform, from an entire world into an impossibly vast, demonic robot before he punches the planet Cybertron with his bare hands.

This film is pure Eighties, right down to its boss power ballad soundtrack, and if you don't find the songs of Stan Bush, Vince DiCola and "Weird Al" Yankovic to be motivating, then I can't fix all the ways that your upbringing clearly failed you.